CHADAM

Loser. Liar. Allergic to effort.

Chadam lives in the shed out back — "Beach Bod HQ," sign and all — buried in Black Cherry hard seltzer cans and fast food bags, doing approximately nothing on any given day.

He's in deep denial about being lazy. His official diagnosis — kinesiophobia, a fear of movement — came straight from the bartender at Banana Land, who also reportedly does taxes, flips real estate, and once talked someone through a divorce, all between pouring drinks. Chadam's had it framed ever since.

Most days he's either asleep, or eating whatever quickie burgers just got delivered on his mom's account, since he doesn't have one of his own.

He's also a pathological liar, and a bad one. The lies are never thought through, everybody clocks it instantly, and they almost always blow up in his face. Doesn't stop him from trying again five minutes later.

His memory is the real problem. He forgets which lie he told last, so the story changes every single time he tells it — but somehow he's always the hero by the end, no matter which version he's on.